int. company board room

We see a gray, mundane boardroom with mostly old, white men in suits sitting around a conference table.  The businessmen seem to be having a heated discussion about the future of the unspecified company they work for.

john

[DIALOGUE FADES IN TO DISCUSSION. JOHN HAS PRESENTATION ON BOARD]   ...and we can clearly see here that overall profits in HENDERSON's department are down 38 per cent in the third quarter, continuing the downward spiral he's had since he took the position of department head in September of last year.

henderson

[furious]How dare you imply that I'm to blame here? Have you not once considered that maybe, just maybe, if you'd given me a team of adequate employees instead of slashing my payroll in half after last year as a knee-jerk response to the downslide that there would have actually been an uptick in productivity and thus profit?

john

Right, blame everyone else for your incompetence! When you transferred from Virginia in the fall of last year the department immediately started decaying! 

henderson

You were in this pile of shit before I got here!

john

You can't deny that you've pitched in your fair share of failure!

henderson

At least I'm not in the closet with my secretary for twenty minutes every time she walks in my office!

JOHN

How dare you!!

SMITH

I think it's safe to say that the best way to recover from this past quarter's poor performance is a full reform of our bottom line.

HENDERSON

More downsizing? Yeah, that's definitely what my department needs. More people losing their jobs because I'm not allowed to do mine!

JOHN

I don't see any other way. We have to do something. HENDERSON certainly isn't.

HENDERSON

Have you considered kissing my ass?

JOHN

You know what, HENDERSON? Go fuck yourself!

HALL

Now that's enough slapfighting! Settle down, the both of you! You're worse than little girls!

CEO HALL looks at CARMICHAEL, the youngest board member in the room.

HENDERSON

What about you, Carmichael? Do you have anything to add to this?

CARMICHAEL looks up at the members of the board, who are now all focusing on him, as if he might have the answer to an unspoken problem. He is scribbling in a notebook in front of him and looks down for a few seconds before speaking uncomfortably.

CARMICHAEL

Well, what about going mobile?

TAYLOR, an older board member, pipes in:

taylor

Mobile? You mean on the BlackBerries and Palms and what-not?

CARMICHAEL

Not just Blackberries. I'm talking about...

JOHN

You're talking about a mobile app? Oh come on, we already have one of those that we made for those idiot kids that kept complaining about our website, which works just as well as anything else!

HALL

Oh, hush up JOHN, let the boy finish.

CARMICHAEL begins to lose the attention of the board a bit. He looks down at his notes for a few more awkward seconds and then back up. He is slightly unprepared.

carmichael

Now a'days, people want everything right in front of them at all times. They want to have it all in front of them at any time, quickly and simply.  They want to be able to pay their bills on the train home or answer an email on the toilet.

HALL

What are you saying, Carmichael?

JOHN

Yes, what is your point?

carmichael

I propose that we sort of shift gear a bit and take our platform mobile-exclusive. Smartphones, tablets...

HENDERSON

...carrier pidgeon.

The board room laughs.

carmichael

Look, no one is buying anything in-store anymore. Hell, they're not even buying things on their computers.  I think we could attract a new generation of consumers if we-

CARMICHAEL is cut off.

JOHN

The problem isn't generation. Our numbers show that our main consumer demographic rests comfortably between the ages of 35-59.

carmichael

Yeah, but...

taylor

We don't need the "younger generation". We're not selling skateboards.

Carmichael

Skateboards? Really?

HALL

Alright, look, I think we've heard enough. Why don't you have a seat, Carmichael.

carmichael

Guys, I promise you; if you just...

HALL

Thank you, Carmichael...

CEO Henderson insists that Carmichael stop talking and sit down. He does. A look of defeat washes over his face. The rest of the board go back to arguing as if Carmichael had never even spoken at all.

Truck in on Carmichael as the sound dulls. He feels like a failure.

int. office

Cut to an office where Carmichael is pouring himself a glass of scotch and standing at his desk. He looks intoxicated and is muttering to himself.

carmichael

Stupid! I'm so stupid! How the hell did I think I could have helped?

CARMICHAEL is verbally beating himself up over how bad his meeting went. He feels as though he has dropped the ball. He slams back his scotch and pours another.

carmichael

Agh! What was I thinking?

CARMICHAEL looks out the window over the vast city scape. He is in a very tall office building on something like Wall Street.

3rd person shot over Carmichael's shoulder, his reflection shows the distress and failure in his face.

CARMICHAEL slams back another scotch. After looking out the window for some time and some deep existential reflection, he begins to open up the window and step out on the ledge.

Camera focuses behind him as he jumps out of his 47th floor office.  It appears as though Carmichael has just committed suicide when he suddenly flies back up to the level a few feet away from where he jumped. JOHN, HALL, HENDERSON, AND TAYLOR ARE WALKING BY ON THEIR WAY TO A DINNER right before he flies back up, and they're taken aback at this floating nobody that they mocked in the boardroom. CARMICHAEL pauses briefly and shouts:

carmichael

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU OLD GUYS CAN'T DO HALF THE SHIT THAT I CAN! FUCK YOU AND YOUR PIECE OF SHIT COMPANY! I'VE HAD IT!

CARMICHAEL flips the bird to the entire floor and then flies off into the cityscape while shouting WOOOOOOO!!!!

carmichael

Wooo!

Cut to title card and play Lonely Boy by the Black Keys.

ext. dank-ass alleyway

Lonely Boy continues to play but fades to something note sinister as the camera pans further down a dark alley way.

We see two Chinese men in expensive Chinese suits™ doing some generic shady shit.  There is an envelope of money exchanged and one man starts loading young Asian girls into the back of a delivery van, presumably for a sex trade.

wesley

Well well. What do we have here?

chinese man #1

Who are you?

The Chinese men speak in fluent Engrish.

Some muttering in Chinese is heard.

wesley

Now, I don't want to "Yakuza'f anything", but it looks to me like you're up to some pretty shady hijinks.

CHINESE MAN #1

We're Chinese you asshole

Chinese Man #1 says in a hilarious Chinese accent

Wesley

Well, then you must be familiar with... THIS

Wesley pulls out a nunchuk and holds it high in the air, as to look threatening.

Truck out, dutch tilt

chinese man #2

The fuck you want, guy?

wesley

I'm just protecting my streets. The streets are like my toilet, and I don't like when Charlie-gang-thugs, such as yourself, come over to my house, blast a huge shit and forget to flush! You shitting in my toilet, Ke-mo sah-bee?

(Ad-lib some bullshit, poorly thought out speech)

Wesley jerks forward a few times to try and intimidate the Chinese criminals using school-yard bully tactics.

The Chinese men and their bodyguards stare blankly at this ridiculous psychopath for a few moments.

chinese man #1

[said in Chinese with subs] Take this asshole out.

the music picks up

Generic Chinese thugs lunge at Wesley with their fists and knives but he is able to deflect them because it turns out he's actually a trained fighter or something. After clearing the first couple of men and some distance is created, the Chinese thugs begin firing their guns at Wesley. With lightning quick reflexes, Wesley dodges the bullets and dives behind a dumpster. When the Chinese thugs are out of ammo/reloading, Wesley jumps out from behind the dumpster. He begins spinning his nunchuk like a medieval morning star because he doesn't actually know how to use one. Wesley is pretty far away from his opponents at this point.  The Chinese thugs look at eachother in dismay as if to say "Is this guy for real?"

wesley

Eat this, Kobayashi!

Wesley throws his nunchuks at the thugs and manages to take two of them out.

close up: Wesley

wesley

Wasabi.

The Chinese thug bosses are visibly pissed off.

CHINESE MAN #1

Somebody kill this racist motherfucker!

Some more crazy action bullshit with Wesley running away from bullets and finishing off the thugs until only Chinese Man #1 is left.  Most of the girls in the van run away to safety except for one, who is taken hostage by Chinese Man out of desperation.

(Story artist can get creative here. Ex: Guy can get shot with a grappling gun)

Wesley slowly moves toward the hostage situation.

wesley

Release the girl, or I'll turn you into sashimi!

CHINESE MAN #1

Jesus-fucking-Christ, man. I'm Chinese! Sashimi; Japanese. I no Japanese you stupid, dumb guy.

Before he can finish his rant, Chinese Man #1 is shot between the eyes with a shuriken star.

wesley

Oh fuck yeah, I told Winston this ninja star shooting glove was a sick idea.  I hope I caught that on the Go-Pro.

The rescued, Chinese sex slave runs to Wesley and throws her arms around him in classic superman/Lois Lane manner.

sex slave

Oh thank you, thank you, crazy hero man! A-thank you so much I love you long time.

Wesley

All in a day's work, lady.  Plus, I totally have a thing for Asian girls. It's like a fetish of mine.

The two awkwardly stand there holding each other. The girl looks up into the night sky as if she's waiting for something.

Wesley

Uh...

SEX SLAVE

So... are you going to fly us out of here or...

wesley

[laughs] Yeah, I don't do that.  I can give you a ride in my limo though. I have Winston parked a block away. It has tinted windows.

Sex slave

[Excited] Okay!

Wesley pushes a button on his utility glove and speaks into his communication device.

Wesley

Winston, we're on our way.

they walk off screen

Wesley

[Fade out] you're going to love this limo it has a mini-bar and a TV and I totally hooked up my Xbox to to it

Int. Limo

Wesley is partying hard in his limo with his new Asian companion and a bunch of other random ladies. Wesley snorts a line of coke off of the former sex slave's titties

Wesley

[Euphoric] Woo! Yeah! This is amazing! Oh, Ching Lee, I bet you're glad I rescued you from that Japanese sex trade, huh? Hey, what do you say we take this back to my penthouse and trade some of our own sex... for sex.

Wesley looks at the other ladies awkwardly sitting beside him, sipping on champaign.

Wesley

Don't worry, you can come too. But first I need to make a stop. Winston!

Wesley calls for his driver Winston but he doesn't hear over the loud music.

Wesley grabs the utility glove from his super suit (now sitting on a pile on the floor) and talks into the communicator

Wesley

Wiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnssssstoooooooooooo-

Winston rolls down the driver window.

Winston

[Sigh]Yes, Wesley

Wesley

Winston, I told you not to call me that outside the penthouse. It's The Mongoose.

Winston

But you're not even in costume.

Wesley

It's a tactical uniform and also shut up.

Winston

Sorry, sir. How can I help you.

Wesley

Winston, we need to stop for burritos immediately.

Winston

I don't know, Mongoose, you just murdered like 10 people back there I think we should lay low..

Wesley

I don't pay you for your wise advise, Winston.

Winston

YOU don't pay me at all. Your father does and I'm pretty sure he asked you to stop posing as a masked vigilante.

Wesley

Oh come on, Winston. Those were bad people back there. They almost turned Ching Lee here into a doped up sex object.

Wesley snorts more coke off of Ching Lee's titties.

Winston

Wesley... If

Wesley

Mongoose.

Winston

Mongoose, if your father finds out that you're using company assets to fund your crime fighting endeavors he is going to-

Winston is cut off by chanting.

Wesley

Bur-ritos! Bur-ritos! Bur-ritos!

The girls start reluctantly chanting as well.

Winston

[Sigh]

Winston rolls the window back up.

Cut to ext. Drive thru

Ext. Drive thru

Back window rolls down as the limo pulls into the drive thru.